Big Macintosh Facts
by The Zelda Big Macintosh
Summary: This is my tribute to the Chuck Norris of Equestria.
1. Chapter 1

**TZCN: Hey there. This idea just popped into my head, and I can't get it out. So, who in Equestria is as manly as Chuck Norris? Big Macintosh, of course! For now, only one chapter. I'll add more whenever I think of them. I own nothing.**

**Big Macintosh Facts**

Big Macintosh ordered a Whopper at McPonies…and got one.

When Big Macintosh was denied a breakfast sandwich at Burger Pony because it was ten thirty-five, he bucked the restaurant so hard it turned into an EFC.

Big Macintosh doesn't have to worry about waking up late for bucking apples. The sun rises and sets when he says so.

Nightmare Moon got herself sealed in the moon on purpose to avoid Big Macintosh.

Big Macintosh is twenty percent cooler than Rainbow Dash.

Big Macintosh can surprise Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie doesn't dare try and surprise Big Macintosh

Big Macintosh once broke a Pinkie Promise, and Pinkie Pie tried to apprehend him. She was lucky to leave with a warning.

Pinkie Pie can only break the fourth wall because Big Macintosh weakened it from al the times he broke it.

You know how it's a proven fact that Cheerilee must be the hottest mare in Equestria? Big Macintosh chose the mare he thought was hottest. Big Macintosh is never wrong.

A pony once got on Big Macintosh's nerves too much. This pony is known as Derpy Hooves.

Applejack's hat was actually Big Macintosh's. He couldn't wear it anymore when the world was threatening to explode from too much awesomeness.

Big Macintosh turns straight stallions gay and gay mares other than the Mane 6 straight.

Discord reformed because he knew if he didn't, he'd be on the wrong end of a Big macintosh buck. Nopony but Big Macintosh is allowed to cause chaos.

A Big Macintosh buck is equal to roughly five Sonic Rainbooms.

**TZCN: That's it for now. If I come up with more, I'll put them in future chapters. Hasta la vista, baby!**


	2. Chapter 2

**TZBM: Alright, time for more things you might not have known about Big Macintosh. Disclaimer, please.**

**Spike: The Zelda Big Macintosh owns nothing.**

**TZBM: Thanks, Spike. Story time!**

Chapter 2: More Facts

Flim and Flam lost because Big Macintosh bucked them so hard they forgot the right way to make cider.

Gilda hasn't been seen lately because she heard Big Macintosh is still pissed off at her.

Queen Chrysalis let herself get beaten because she heard Big Macintosh was on his way to Canterlot.

Big Macintosh can grow an apple tree so big even he can't buck it. And then he bucks it anyways, just to show you who the hay Big Macintosh is.

Big Macintosh doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Big Macintosh is the last digit of pi.

The chief export of Big Macintosh is a buck to the face.

Big Macintosh can talk about Fight Club.

Big Macintosh can touch DJ-PON3.

Big Macintosh once sneezed on a bunch of small, round stones. These stones would later be named the Elements of Harmony.

Big Macintosh represents the seventh Element of Harmony; the Element of Awesome.

Princess Celestia can walk on water. Big Macintosh can swim on land.

After Big Macintosh turned the mare that got on his nerves into Derpy, a lady said that Derpy was offensive. Not long after, she was found dead in her house with her head bashed in and hoof marks on her face. The strange thing is, there were no horses in the woman's hometown.

Princess Luna hasn't appeared much because Big Macintosh is still mad for the eternal night incident. Big Macintosh rules Equestria, not the princesses. They would do well to remember that.

Fluttershy's stare is copied from Big Macintosh. Big Macintosh is still planning how he's going to punish her.

The main ingredient in all of Zecora's potions is one of Big Macintosh's hairs.

Big Macintosh must always be in charge. Why do you think his parents are gone?

On Hearthswarming Day, Cheerilee burned the turkey she and Big Mac were going to have for dinner. Big Macintosh told her it was alright, and then went out to the barn, and came back with a live turkey which he proceeded to eat whole. When he threw it up moments later, it was fully cooked and garnished. When Cheerilee asked how he'd done it, Big Macintosh bucker her in the face and said "Never question Big Macintosh!"

Shortly after banning Derpy, the producers of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic went into hiding as an attempt to avoid Big Macintosh's wrath. Big Macintosh doesn't care. He'll find them anyway. He just wants to drive them to insanity first.

Big Macintosh is currently suing Iron Will, claiming that all the methods Iron Will uses to motivate ponies are actually his trademarked love-making techniques.

When Big Macintosh has sex with a colt, it doesn't mean he's gay, just that Cheerilee is tired.

Big Macintosh once challenged Mare-do-well to a fight. The loser had to start wearing their underwear outside of their pants. Somepony later noted that Mare-do-well suddenly stopped appearing.

**TZBM: There's some more for you. As always, more when I think up a bunch.**

**Spike: Thanks for reading. Bye!**


End file.
